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Ted Quotes - 'I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.'Ted Quotes Page  1   2   USER REVIEWS[first lines; movie opens in Boston, 1. Narrator: [voice over] It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes. To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes, submitted here is the story of a boy and a magical Christmas wish that changed his life forever. It began in 1. 98. Boston, it was Christmas Eve and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year, when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids.

But there was one child who wasn’t in such good spirits, little John Bennett. That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends.[we see young John trying to join playing with the neighborhood kids, who are beating up another kid, but they tell him to get lost]Narrator: [voice over] John longed, with all his heart, for that one true friend that he could call his own.

And he knew that, if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go. Narrator: [voice over] Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came. All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee. And for little John Bennett, Christmas day brought a very special new arrival.[we see young John opening his Christmas present, which is a teddy bear]Young John: Wow!

John’s Dad: I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year, huh? John’s Mom: Merry Christmas, John.[John hugs the teddy bear and it sets off the automated teddy voice which says; ‘I love you!’]Young John: He talks! I’m gonna name you Teddy. Narrator: [voice over] John became instantly attached to Teddy.

There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets.[as John lies in bed he hugs Teddy which sets off his recorded ‘I love you!’ message]Young John: I love you too, Teddy. You know, I wish you could really talk to me. Because then we could be best friends for ever and ever! Narrator: [voice over] Now if there’s one thing you can be sure of, it’s that nothing’s more powerful than a young boy’s wish.

Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles, it is an unbelievably impressive compliment of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

Well, as it turned out John picked a perfect night to make a wish.[next morning after wishing his Teddy could talk, John wakens to find his Teddy missing and starts looking for it around his room]Young John: Teddy? Teddy? Teddy?[as John looks for Ted under his bed he suddenly hears a voice and turns to see Teddy]Young Ted: Hug me![John screams in fear]Young Ted: You’re my best friend, John. Young John: Did you…did you just talk? Young Ted: Don’t looks so surprised. You’re the one who wished for it, aren’t you? Young John: Yeah.

I did wish for it. Young Ted: Well, here I am.

Young John: You mean, we get to be best friends for real? Young Ted: For real. Young John: For ever and ever? Young Ted: Sounds good to me.[John and Ted hug each other][as Ted and young John are hugging]Narrator: [voice over] John was just about the happiest boy in the world, and he couldn’t wait to tell everyone the good news.[John hurries downstairs to tell his parents]Young John: Mom, dad, guess what? My Teddy Bear’s alive! John’s Mom: Well, isn’t that exciting.

Young John: No, mom, he’s really alive! Look![Ted enters the kitchen]Young Ted: Merry Christmas, everybody![John’s mom start screaming in fear and his father shouts]John’s Dad: Jesus H fuck! Young Ted: Let’s all be best friends! John’s Mom: Oh, my God!

Oh God! John’s Dad: John, get away from that thing. Get over here! Right now! Young John: But dad! John’s Dad: Get over here! John’s Mom: Listen to your father!

Come over here![John goes over to his parents]John’s Dad: Helen, get my gun! Young John: Dad! No! Young Ted: Is it a hugging gun? John’s Dad: Helen, get my gun and call the police! Watch Pray 2: The Woods HDQ. Young Ted: I’m sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn’t mean to scare anybody.

I just wanted John and I to be friends. Young John: Yeah, dad. I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive.

My wish came true![Ted nods his head]John’s Mom: Oh, my God! It’s a miracle. It’s a Christmas miracle. You’re just like the baby Jesus. Narrator: [voice over] Well, it wasn’t long before the story of John’s little miracle was sweeping the nation.[we see different news reporters on the TV talking about Ted]Narrator: [voice over] Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.[we see as Ted gets invited on the Johnny Carson show]Johnny Carson: Hello, Teddy.[Carson shakes Ted’s hand and the audience laughs]Johnny Carson: You…you uh… surprise me.

I…for some reason I thought you were going to be taller.[the audience laughs]Young Ted: I thought you were going to be funnier.[Carson laughs and the audience laughs and claps]Narrator: [voice over] But through all the fame, Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.[we see Ted and John under the covers in John bed hiding from the noise of thunder]Young John: The thunder can’t get us, right? Young Ted: Nope. We’re thunder buddies, and the thunder knows it.

We’re totally safe. Young John: Teddy? Young Ted: Yeah, John? Young John: Do you promise we’ll always be together? Young Ted: I promise.

Thunder buddies for life. Young John: Thunder buddies for life. Narrator: [voice over] And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.

Narrator: [voice over] So, where are John and Teddy today? Well, let me put it this way.

No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re a Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking Teddy Bear, eventually nobody gives a shit.[present day; we see Ted and John sitting on the couch, smoking pot and watching old cartoons]Ted: Look, all I’m sayin’ is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the else where’s of life. John Bennett: That’s bullshit. What about Lori? She’s hot. Ted: No, Lori is from Pennsylvania. That’s not a Boston girl.

John Bennett: They’re not that bad. Ted: See, the fact that you have to say; ‘they’re not that bad’, means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?[he starts imitating the accent]Ted: ‘Oh, yah!

Oh, yah! Harder! Harder! Oh, God! That was so good! Now I’m gonna stuff my fuckin’ face with Pepperidge Farm!’[referring to the pot]Ted: Jesus, this is weak! It’s not even gettin’ me high. I think I’m gonna have a talk with my weed guy. John Bennett: It’s workin’ for me.

Ted: I think it sucks, I’m gonna have a talk with him. John Bennett: I don’t know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.

Ted: No, I’ve known this guy a long time. I’ve known him since 9/1.

Do you remember? I was like; ‘Oh, shit, 9/1. I gotta get high.’John Bennett: Is it nine thirty? Ted: Yeah. John Bennett: Shit! I gotta get to work! I don’t know if I can drive![John gets up from the couch and runs to get ready]Ted: It’s okay, I’ll drive.

Yeah, I feel fine.[Ted drives John to work, a rental car agency, as Ted goes to park the car he hits the car parked beside them]John Bennett: Fuck! Ted: Oh, shit! John Bennett: Oh, man![John gets out of the car and goes to inspect the damage to the car]Ted: Oh, Johnny. I’m sorry, man. That…that car just came out of nowhere. Oh, God! Is it bad?[we see the driver’s side John’s car is pretty beat up as is the front of the other car][John’s boss calls him into his office after he arrives late and Ted crashes his car]Thomas: John, it’s almost ten o’clock. John Bennett: I know, sir. I’m sorry, it wasn’t my fault. Thomas: What do you mean?

John Bennett: Well, I…I guess I wasn’t really prepared for a follow up question. Thomas: John, all you gotta do is not fuck up, and you get my job when I got to corporate next month. You’re the new branch manager, all you gotta do is not fuck up. John Bennett: I realize that.

Thomas: Good. Glad to hear it.